I Against I

Schloss Charlottenburg 30 April

Another episode in my life is drawing to a close and it's making me feel very awkward. I'm neither 'here' nor 'there', I'm at an in-between state between states of mind, and, indeed, the states of Finland and Germany. I'm very conscious of having to move out of the country in a few weeks (I'm already moving out of this flat at the end of this week because I sold my bed to a class mate) and that the rest of my stay here is going to be like one continuous farewell. I don't know how to live in the moment; instead, I'm seeing my time here through certain nostalgia and anticipating my future with great expectations. It's a curious frame of mind to be in.

Dishes at 'a very cool Berlin flat' (tm)

I graduated yesterday. The course as a whole went better than I had expected. My thesis was one of three in our class that were given a straight 1.0. I was quite shocked to hear this, actually, as I didn't think (I still don't) that the thesis was that good. Compared to the previous paper I wrote, writing the MBS thesis was a struggle - something that you might already have picked up reading this blog. The concluding two sections are a mess, the analysis is too limited and the sources I referred to are a bit questionable here and there. Then again, at least I know what the shortcomings are. It gives me hope to think that I could've been able to make the thesis work had I had more time on my hands.

The Centre for British Studies would like to publish the thesis in their series of academic papers, but I'm not quite sure I'm ready to give my consent. I can't help but comparing my two theses and thinking that if I'm so dissatisfied with what I wrote I shouldn't really make it public property. Here in Germany, or at least at the HU, unlike in Finland, only the best thesis or theses will become available for everyone to read. I'm not too happy about the idea of letting future generation get hold of the paper. So at the moment it seems like the Centre will have to make do with only two theses this year.

Although I probably shouldn't say "only two". As one of the professors pointed out in his speech at the graduation ceremony, our class was rather exceptional: sometimes the staff have trouble finding even one thesis that should be awarded a 1.0; our class had three. There was also an unusually high number of Firsts in our class compared to other years. We were creative, got along, and the atmosphere was, alles in allem, encouraging. Was the course on the whole a triumph of academic knowledge? Not necessarily. Then was it worth it? Absolutely. Already the internationality of the course made it a worthwhile experience. I also managed to make a couple of friends whom I wish to see in Finland sooner or later and whom I will hopefully get to visit one day, too.

People at Görlitzer Park on May Day

The first of May came and went, and I realised I miss Finnish vappu. Here the festivities assume a markedly political character and there's a lot of tension in the air in spite of the celebrations that take place. The colourful cheerfulness of Finnish vappu is missing, and the idea of a good time here equals an ad hoc rave to a deafening bass thump in the middle of a crowded street. I do realise that Finnish vappu has some not so delightful side effects in the form of various bodily excrements - I'm not denying the downsides of the excessive partying of some Finns. But what about the traditional vappu picnic, for instance? Lying on the grass for a whole day while the sun is hopefully shining, having a chat with your friends and sharing whatever is in your picnic basket. I'll choose that over the hundreds of Turkish snack stands and loud music any time.

29 days to go. Finland, are you ready for my return?